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Review by ANDREW KICAK on SmokePoker.com


You learn the game.  You play the game.  You play the game online.  You watch it on television.  You may even read instructional books or pro player biographies.  But have you ever imagined being able to quote poker?  Or rather dish out famous poker quotations and quips?

I admit I never really considered anyone would compile an encyclopaedia of poker quotations.  That is, until I received Colin M. Jarman’s The Quotable Poker Player in the mail.  Essentially, The Quotable Poker Player (TQPP) is a thorough compilation of over 1500 poker quotes or attributed remarks taken from pro players, celebrities, films, historical figures, etc.

Now I’m not a huge reader.  Despite being an English and Theatre major in university, I have rarely found the time to pick up a book for a good read.  And when I do, it’s usually related to my businesses or technical in nature.  So I was understandably relieved to see that TQPP is more a reference book than a suspense-laden page-turner.  But the funny thing is, once I started flipping through it… I couldn’t put it down! There are some good, funny, and smart quotations in the TQPP.   And improbably, it IS a good read.

The Background
Author Colin Jarman has published over 30 books in the United States and in the UK through publisher Blue Eyed Books.  He’s written just about every kind of book from biographies to humour to science.  TQPP is one of his newest books in his quotable book series.  Colin spent nearly two years compiling the quotations for this book.   And it shows.  With over 1500 references, there’s a lot of exhaustively researched material packed between the pages.   Colin used a systematic process of evaluating the content for his book through the lens of “hilarity”, “cleverness”, and “originality” to select the quotations that made it into the book.

The Product
The book is a 156 page paperback with a 2010 publication date.  The contents are divided into 12 chapters or general categories which are further subdivided within each chapter.  Some notable chapters include Poker Faces (real & fictional), Poker Warfare, Poker Song (yes, this book couldn’t possibility have credibility without a mention of The Gambler by Kenny Rogers), and a concise chapter on Poker Movie quotations.  There is no foreword or afterword

The Review
Okay, so it’s a quotations book.  There’s not really much to review.  There’s obviously no narrative or compelling writing structure.  However, the quotations themselves had to be assembled, organized and edited into the book.  There are quotations from almost every major poker personality and player.  What I was particularly impressed with was the eclectic nature of the quotations.  Besides, the usual poker pros you see and hear about at WSOP and WPT, there are quotes attributed to “Fulltilt.com” for example, as well as celebrity players like Jason Alexander, Brad Garrett, etc.  It’s a great mix.  Overall, this is a great flip-through-read book that makes for an interesting browse.  The special treat was the movie quotes and lines that related to poker, as well as music lyrics, etc.  And given the recent publication date, it’s pretty up-to-date with 2009 and 2010 references.

The cover illustration is a little cheesy looking and I’m not a personal fan of the font used.  But I suppose you could argue that the book has an intentional campy, quirky sort of feel to it.  I also found that the author was reaching a bit when it came to certain quotations.  Like the Gus Hansen quote, “I like to see a lot of flops” seems to me more of a general statement that a humorous, interesting observation.  I’m not sure I would’ve included it in the book.  But then again, I’m not the author!

On the flip side, there are also tons of gems in here – too many to list.  But I loved some of the online poker promoting quotes (ie. “Show me a professional player who refuses to play on the Internet these days and I’ll show you a dinosaur.” – Jesse May (2005)) .   There are some really, really funny quotes in here as well.  I highly recommend checking out the author’s site.  If you want to preview some quotations prior to purchasing, the author’s site is peppered with interesting quotations.

SmokePoker.com Book Review: 4 out of 5

For more information about The Quotable Poker Player, please visit the publisher's web page at: http://www.blue-eyed-books.co.uk/poker-quotes-book

Review by Poker.org


London-born author Colin M. Jarman has had 30+ books published in the United States and the United Kingdom, having written books covering such diverse subject areas as James Bond, Doctor Who, Judge Dredd, biographies, dance, science, sports, humour and quotations. The Quotable Poker Player, published in 2010, is one of his newest books in Jarman`s "quotations" series of books. The two years taken to compile the quotations for the book are evident in the painstakingly investigated material crammed between its 200 pages, which combine originality and humour in their content.

The Quotable Poker Player is a comic collection of 1500+ humorous poker quotations, covering all forms of the game, from 5-Card Stud to Texas Hold`Em. Furthermore, the volume reflects all aspects and views of the game of poker, celebrating the "fun" side of poker on both the US and UK sides of the Atlantic Ocean. The contents of the book are divided into 12 chapters, with notable divisions of the The Quotable Poker Player including chapters devoted to "Poker Books," "Poker As Warfare," "Poker Is.," "Poker Movies," "Poker on TV" and "Poker Song", since any poker quotation book must lack authority if ignoring Kenny Rogers` "The Gambler." These chapters, which include funny, poker-based sayings and quotations from professional players, poker celebrities, authors, humorists and journalists, along with a selection from film and TV characters are accompanied by an extensive A-Z poker glossary.

Despite being an avid poker player, I am not a massive reader on the subject. Primarily, I write for Internet websites and engage in some part-time Mathematics tuition, so the time available for recreational reading is limited. As a result, I was somewhat relieved to find the The Quotable Poker Player to be more of a reference book than a "page turner," laden with anticipation. Nonetheless, once I started flicking through Jarman's latest offering, I found it difficult to put down.

As a book of quotations, The Quotable Poker Player essentially has no narrative or writing structure to review. However, it includes quotations from the vast majority of poker players and personalities, organised in a coherent fashion. The book has a seemingly deliberate idiosyncratic ambience and the eclectic assortment of quotations impressed me greatly.

There are offerings from professional players from the European Poker Tour, World Poker Tour and World Series of Poker, along with a selection from celebrity players. This makes for a great mix and a very entertaining read. Many of the "diamond-studded" quotes had me laughing aloud, although generally these are too numerous to mention in an article of this nature. However, one worthy of note is Jesse May's, apparently Internet-promoting quote of 2005, namely, "Show me a professional player who refuses to play on the Internet these days and I'll show you a dinosaur."

Overall, The Quotable Poker Player is a superb, enjoyable reference book, which is ideal for the "pick up, put down reader" such as me, making for entertaining and amusing browsing.

With a recent publication date, the content of The Quotable Poker Player is remarkably current and will provide a great read for casual players or more serious exponents of the game, seeking to pick up poker bonuses.

For more information about The Quotable Poker Player, please visit the publisher's web page at: http://www.blue-eyed-books.co.uk/poker-quotes-book

Leah Bochan's excellent The Badass Girl's Guide to Poker quotes Annie Duke as saying “Poker is one of the only sports where a woman can compete on totally equal footing with a man, so I don’t understand why there’s a ladies-only tournament.”

Let's hope that Annie does not take offence at a ladies-only Top Ten list of Poker Quotations.

To double the female fun, the following great sayings are also female-themed poker quotations. Just to show how astute Annie can be, this Top Ten of Female Poker Quotations starts with another Duke offering ...

“To emphasize your femininity, giggle girlishly when you win pots. Check-raise them at every opportunity. Show them your bluffs. They already don’t like you. Why not completely piss them off? … It worked for me.”
Annie Duke, How I Raised, Folded, Bluffed, Flirted, Cursed and Won Millions (2005)

“Every guy plays like he’s hard up with a hard on. I’ve seen them do the stupidest things at the poker table. They are just too pig-headed to think that anybody ever has them beat. Women are much more clear-headed.”
Angelica Stark

“I hate to see that chauvinistic B.S. where men think women belong in the kitchen. Some men have asked what I was doing at the table, and I’d say, ‘Well, I already washed the floors, did the laundry and cleaned the house, and I have nothing to do but play poker.’ I’ve said this a million times: It doesn’t take much strength to lift up two cards.”
Jennifer Harman in USA Today (2007)

“Women can play poker because anyone who can fake an orgasm can raise on a pair of deuces.”
Grace Kelly [Brett Butler] on Grace Under Fire

“First impressions can make or break you at the poker table. Even in an over-conditioned Las Vegas casino, shorts and a Celine Dion T-shirt, don’t exactly say 'I know what I’m doing here,' they scream, 'Take me!' ”
Nicola Copping in The Times (2006) 

“The bottom line is you better win, or you’re going to have your critics that say the only reason why you got there is because you’re good-looking, that you can’t play a lick of poker. Any time that you are attractive and a woman, you better win. You better win.”
Clonie Gowan in The Dallas Observer (2004)

“Any attractive woman who wins a poker tournament can usually find a sponsor within the next 24 hours.”
Isabelle Mercier (2007)

"It’s easy to tease as you raise and flash a coy smile as you call. Flirting goes with poker like ice cream goes with pie - both are good on their own, but much more delicious together."
Leah Bochan in The Badass Girl’s Guide to Poker (2005)

"Women really do play differently from men - they’re chatty, they tease and brag at hands, and even the best of them can be sore losers. Another thing - they’re painfully ruthless."
Melanie McFarland in The Seattle Post-Intelligencer (2003)

“I believe it is probably true that women on the whole are not inclined to discipline their playing according to a scientific law of averages. Speaking of myself, I find that the incomparable advantage of playing by instinct is that no one else has the slightest idea what I am likely to do or why.”
Barbara Tuchman


The “Ten of the Best Poker Quotes” Lists
are compiled by Colin M Jarman
and are taken from ...
The Quotable Poker Player quotes book
published by Blue Eyed Books

If anyone else has any great poker quotes by women, please share them in the comments box below.

For years James Bond played Chemin De Fer or Blackjack even Gin Rummy (with Auric Goldfinger in Miami) or - against all common sense even for a devil may care secret agent - the roulette table. With 007's twenty-first century rebirth the man with a licence to kill was granted a licence to luck out on the river.

The following quotations are a choice selection of what has been written about James Bond answering the clarion call from millions of online poker players and turning his hand to the Cadillac (or in Bond's case the Aston Martin) of Poker - No Limit Texas Hold 'em.

"The scent and smoke and sweat of a casino are nauseating at three in the morning. Then the sole-erosion produced by high gambling - a compost of greed and fear and nervous tension - becomes unbearable, and the senses awake and revolt from it." 
Opening lines from the original Ian Fleming novel Casino Royale (1953)

"Casino Royale when it was written by Fleming involved a Chemin de Fer game in the South of France and that was a big stakes game in those days. Today the big stakes game is Texas Hold 'em. It's not unreasonable for ten, twenty million dollar pots to be seen. So, when we came to think about what the game would be, Chemin de Fer didn't seem appropriate but Texas Hold 'em was."
Michael G. Wilson - Bond producer (2006)

“Never play poker against actors. After all it’s their job to be able to create a credible poker face. And believe me they can. I lost every game I played against Daniel [Craig]!”
Martin Campbell - director of Casino Royale (2006)

"In Ian Fleming's original novel, James Bond attempts to bankrupt Le Chiffre - a shadowy financier of international terrorism - at the baccarat table. To give the movie a modern twist, the game has been changed to poker. This is in keeping with 21st-century fashion, but the characters are still dressed for baccarat, in tailored dinner jackets. If only poker players really wore those clothes, instead of old tracksuits covered in soup."
Victoria Coren in The Guardian (2006)

"I heard 007 doesn't play baccarat anymore; now it's Hold 'em. I keep waiting for Phil Hellmuth to talk smack at the table right up until Bond puts one right between his eyes."
Matt Bramanti in The Houston Chronicle (2006)

"Royale Flush. The Bond franchise takes a gamble on a new guy and comes up aces!"
Robert Wilonsky in The Village Voice (2006)

"Switching the game between le Chiffre and Bond to poker is no doubt because most audiences are unacquainted with baccarat, though it could be that it reminded the producers of Burt Bacharach, who wrote the music for the 1967 Casino Royale."
Philip French in The Observer (2006)

"The latest Bond movie … in which Bond plays a high stakes Texas Hold ‘em poker game. Before seeing it I thought about how some hands might play out. Maybe Bond makes an amazing sick call with Jack high and wins … or lays down Kings against Aces pre-flop because he can see into the villain’s soul! I mean he is James Bond after all. He can dodge bullets baby! Well, Phil Hellmuth he ain’t. James Bond is nothing but a total luck-box."
Nicky O’Donnell (2006)

"The villain is not the usual Blofeld-like wannabe world dominator but a financier called Le Chiffre ... When Bond sits opposite Le Chiffre at a high-stakes poker game in Montenegro’s Casino Royale, he clicks his rectangular plaques as if he’s a new breed of praying mantis. He’s bloodcurdling."
David Edelstein in New York magazine (2006)

"Unfortunately, the final showdown, like The Cincinnati Kid, features card combinations you wouldn’t see in a real poker game if you played every day for a thousand years ... The odds of this happening on any given hand are so astronomical that I’d have to use up the rest of Page 11 and borrow Stephen Hawking’s brain to figure it out." 
Richard Roeper in The Chicago Sun-Times (2006)

"A high-stakes poker game in which Bond must beat Le Chiffre to defeat the terrorist network - slows the pace and trivializes the present reality of terrorism: If only al Qaeda could be done in by a full house."
Joe Morgenstern in The Wall Street Journal (2006)

"The movie spends a lot minutes, because we all know who’s gonna win ... only this time, the poker tournament goes on and on and on ... and unlike, say, the battle of wits in the similarly high stakes card game in The Sting, Bond here finally wins his tournament by flashing a straight flush. A straight flush!  Dude, anybody can win with a straight flush! Winning with a pair of twos ... now THAT would have been superspy impressive!"
Andrew Osborne on Nerve.com (2008)

"The climactic hand sees 007’s improbable straight flush, which he smugly unveils as if he’d somehow willed this result rather than just winning the poker equivalent of the state lottery. Hell, I could defeat international terrorism getting hit by the deck like that. So could you. So could a sponge. Move Bond just a single seat to the right in that hand and all he possesses is a license to tilt."
Mike D’Angelo in Esquire magazine (2007)

"As a poker film, Casino Royale is better than Rounders, miles better than Maverick, but not as good as The Cincinnati Kid. Nothing is as good as The Cincinnati Kid … I also loved the break during the game where James Bond goes upstairs, kills a couple of Ugandan hostage takers, showers off the blood, changes his shirt and comes back down to play. That kind of thing always happens in the tournament breaks at Walsall."
Victoria Coren in The Guardian (2006)


The above quotations are taken from the following Blue Eyed Books  …

 The Quotable Poker Player

 James Bond: Licence To Quote - The Quotable 007

A fairly random collection of poker quotes that run from A to Z - some famous, some funny, some inspirational, some motivational, some wacky, some offbeat, some cute ... all free and all taken from The Quotable Poker Player quotes book.

"All ACES are good for is to win a small pot or lose a big one."
Stu Ungar

"BAD BEATS will, from time to time, still rob you like a crack addict with an empty pipe."
Rick Dacey in Poker Player magazine (2006)

"The poker CHIP is like a conjuror’s sleight of hand that turns an egg into a billiard ball, a necessity of life into a plaything, reality into illusion."
Al Alvarez

"Poker is such a great game. It’s you and your brain against everybody else. The DECK doesn’t know who you are."
Lyle Berman in USA Today (2006)

"Hellmuth has an EGO that is notorious even in ego-charged poker circles."
Demian Bulwa in The San Francisco Chronicle (2003)

"I like to see lots of FLOPS."
Gus Hansen

"Poker is a stimulating psychological challenge, combining GUTS and detective work ... a world of its own, offering all the childish appeal of secret places, special languages and staying up late at night."
Victoria Coren

"HEADS UP poker play may be the purest form of psychological warfare this game has to offer. It’s no wonder why the old westerns and Rounders and every other poker movie always comes down to a one-on-one battle between the good guy and the villain."
David Williams in All In magazine (2008)

"IMAGE is vital. Poker was seen in Britain as an American import, associated with Mississippi riverboat gambling and the long stare of Steve McQueen in The Cincinnati Kid. This was card-drama in bars full of cheroot smoke, whiskey and wild women. In Britain, by contrast, it was traditionally the pastime of crooks in grimy vests playing under bare bulbs, or self-consciously raffish rich kids looking for street cred."
Ben Macintyre in The Times (2005)

"I just realized something. JOKER is poker with a ‘J’ ... coincidence?"
Phoebe [Liza Kudrow] on Friends: The One with All the Poker (1995)

"A KING can do no wrong … unless it runs into an ace."
Old Poker Saying

"A poker player has to be LUCKY … in the same way that Warren Buffet gets lucky playing the stock market year after year."
Phil Gordon, Poker: Real Deal (2006)

"All the bills are paid and you feel pretty good. Is it time to go shopping? Yes, providing you leave enough MONEY to play poker."
Barry Greenstein, Ace on the River (2005)

"Poker Tip #10: You’re not allowed to give yourself a NICKNAME. This holds true in life as well as in poker."
Richard Roeper in The Chicago Sun-Times (2005)

"Poker is a game of people. If you remember that, you can bounce your OPPONENTS around like tumbleweed in Texas. If you forget, Lord have mercy on your bankroll."
Doyle Brunson, According to Doyle (1984)

"Not for nothing are POKER TABLES shaped like the floor of the Coliseum - the better to concentrate the butchery, the better to observe it up close. lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Thumbs up or thumbs down on the river."
James McManus in American Poetry Review (2002)

"Pocket QUEENS are arguably the third best Hold ‘em starting hand, but like everything having to do with the ladies, it just isn’t that simple. It is also one of the hands players go broke with most often. The cards are beautiful, mesmerizing. All that paint is hypnotic, but you must use your head, not your heart. You must tread cautiously and think carefully, not jump in with both feet like a love-struck teenager."
Katie Lindsay in Pro Player magazine (Sep 2006)

"There are a lot of RULES to poker: a flush beats a straight, three of a kind beats two pair, never trust anyone named Vegas Billy. But the cardinal rule of all time may be this: Never bet $86 on the three of clubs. But even that rule is sorely tested when everyone folds except you and the guy whose currency on the table is handwritten."
Jesse McKinley in The New York Times (2003)

"SEX and poker don’t go together. That, at least, is my general experience. Which is not to say that one should not follow the other."
David Spanier, Total Poker (1977)

"Learn their secrets and determine how they keep from going on TILT. If the shoe fits, steal it!"
Lou Krieger

"Alas, I have no discernible ability at Hold ‘em - if I were playing against nine Franciscan monks, I would be the UNDERDOG - a somewhat unfortunate reality considering I am paid to analyze Hold ‘em on TV. (By the way, this makes me the Matt Millen of poker.)"
Norman Chad in Sports Illustrated magazine (2009)

"One of the weird things about poker is that you’re handling all this cash, and you’re getting paid in cash, and it’s flowing in and out of your life, and it’s easy to lose the VALUE of money. When you have a lot of success young, and you get a hold of a lot of cash, and you’ve never had to be an adult struggling, you lose perspective."
Anne Duke in All In magazine

"The important thing is to get fun out of poker, and the best fun is the fun of WINNING."
Chris Ferguson in Inside Edge magazine (2006)

99 [Barbara Feldon]: "Why don’t we use the X-22 computer, Chief?"
Chief [Edward Platt]: "I’ve thought of that, 99, but somebody fed a deck of cards into it and now all it’ll do is play poker with the CIA computer.
99: Well can’t you reprogramme it?"
Chief: "No, we can’t do that, it’s 32 dollars behind."
on Get Smart: The Worst Best Man (1968)

"Erick Lindgren thought it would be a good idea to issue a challenge saying he and I could amass more Player of the YEAR points than any other two players. (Except for Phil Ivey because he doesn’t count. He’s not human)."
Daniel Negreanu in All-In magazine (2009)

"I am in poker for all the wrong reasons. I don’t care about the money. I just want to experience a 48-hour period where I am at one with the universe. I want to experience that ZEN state of consciousness where you can do no wrong: your tiny twos flop into a set, your inferior pair rivers into a backdoor straight. Phil [Laak] calls this phenomenon ‘Surfing the Wa’."
Jennifer Tilly in Bluff magazine (2005)


For more great poker quotes, check out The Quotable Poker Player site and The Quotable Poker Player book

If you have a favourite poker quote, please share with us all.